So the other day I was watching Oprah for some reason, and they were discussing sex in long-term relationships. One of the main focuses of the show was one couple in particular, who hadn’t had sex for twelve years. No, they weren’t monks, no neither of them had AIDS. Basically it was just a passive, semi-intentional effort on the part of the wife, who openly claimed she wasn’t really attracted to the husband on a physical level anymore, and admitted she could go the rest of her life without sex and not feel any feelings of lust. What’s most perplexing about all this is the husband took all of this in stride, even though he acknowledged how difficult this has been for him.

I’m starting to think that it’s only pussies like this that are capable of continued appreciation towards My Bloody Valentine.

For me a long relationship really holds little to no pros, other then the fact that you are entitled to constant sexual activities from the other person, but even that assumption has been debunked by countless studies that shows us sex dwindles relentlessly in nearly all marriages, maybe not to the point of a twelve year hiatus, but it does become the exception and not the rule, this much is pretty much a constant (just one more piece of evidence that supports my theory that people aren’t inherently designed for such commitments). Having said that, it’d be unfathomable for me to go a month within a marriage without sex, but twelve years? There’s patience, and then there’s just being a spineless wimp, and I think you’re crossing that line right around the two months periods without sex and sans immediate, drastic action.

It goes without a doubt that this piece of shit is a worthless loser, willing to suppress a basic human right in the name of complacency, but there’s a bigger issue here. What is the statute of limitations on the impact of one monumentally great event before we’re entitled to something more? It’s hard to put a number on it, but for the sake of this piece, let’s settle on seventeen.

Seventeen years. That’s the time between My Bloody Valentine’s seminal ‘Loveless’ album and the current day. During that period, we saw Kevin Shields (who does represent another one of those “one man projects”, much like Robert Pollard is Guided By Voices and Trent Reznor is Nine Inch Nails, except these two guys still make music) contribute exactly one new song, and it wasn’t even really his song, just covering the Wire song ‘Map Ref. 41N 93W’ for a Wire tribute album. It wasn’t that great of a cover, just adding a lot of fuzziness to the original, but truth be told, I really wouldn’t care how good it was, considering you know, it’s just one cover song.

In this extended hiatus (and I’m using that term in the loosest sense possible), this is the only new music released from the band. So how did Shields keep busy you ask? Don’t bother, it’s just a bunch of meaningless stuff that really amounts to nothing other then helping his name stay around. Specifically he played guitar sparingly for Primal Scream, contributed some score material to the Sofia Coppola movie Lost In Translation, and lastly (and probably least importantly), co-produced an entirely forgettable Dinosaur Jr. album.

Skip ahead to the present day, and that analysis requires no updating, no alterations. That pathetic examination of extreme inactivity is still accurate, yet now they are STILL being talked about, simply because a) they played a handful of prestigious reunion shows, namely headlining Coachella, Roskilde, and All Tomorrow’s Parties, playing, you guessed it, ‘Loveless’ in its entirety, and b) there are some reports on a follow-up being in the band’s near future, but if ‘Chinese Democracy’ has taught us anything… well more on that later.

For the record, Shields has spoken on his behalf, trying to justify the lull of most epic proportions.

“Too often when people make good records, there’s an aftershock effect, and they collapse psychologically and emotionally. Brian Wilson is a classic case of that. I’m trying to prove that you can make genuinely interesting music and come out with new ideas without an emotional drain to the point where you break down. I could make another record that would top the others we’ve made - I’ve been ready to for a while now - but to me it’s extremely important to make that record in such a way that I’ll be able to make another one. For lots of small, petty human reasons I won’t go into, I’d like to be around in five years time, making better and better records”.

Yeah, pretty sure that quote lost all credibility at the millennial mark. Now we’re left with no choice but to group the group in with the drama associated with ‘Chinese Democracy’, but hey, even that homophobic snotrag finally got his shit together and we are faced with the terrifying concept of a new Guns n’ Roses album, which leaves the follow-up to ‘Loveless’ without equal in terms of absurdity in the name of unacceptable prolonged absences.

What makes all of this even more frustrating, is many consider ‘Loveless’ the best album of the nineties. Not me, sonically it was obviously very groundbreaking, but I could never hold something which is essentially a “mood album” among the very best of that great decade. Having said that, I’m not here to debate the merits of ‘Loveless’, it’s obviously a pretty tremendous record if it has carried the band this far without any further contributions from the band, but I am going to do what I’ve seen really nobody else do, and that’s hold Mr. Shields totally and utterly accountable for nearly two decades of indolence. Hell, I could have written this after the first ten years but what the fuck, I gave him another eight years grace. Enough is enough though, seriously.

Shields says to him, making great music is about capturing a moment when you feel inspired, and making music around that flash of profound insight. Fair enough, but you mean to tell me you haven’t been inspired in seventeen years? That tells me you’re in the wrong business. Maybe you should be working for the US.Postal Service or something. I’m starting to think Shields has more in common with Bukowski’s alter ego Harry Chinaski then Brian Wilson. At least Chinaski put his apathy to use and serviced the community through mail organization/deliveries. Shields just took enough space, not a ton, but intentionally just enough to be discussed and revered. It actually pisses me off I even have to write about someone so absurdly irrelevant in terms of the recent music scene, especially because I think I’m probably doing him a favour by getting this published.

Recently, Shields has claimed the band is working on new material, and also stated that the material he recorded in 1996/97 is actually a lot better then he remembered it being. What all this translates into, is he’s just digging up old stuff for inclusion on a new MBV studio release, and what that translates into, is Shields is still plumb-fuck out of ideas. That’s his right, there’s a lot of bands that have released one great record then faded into obscurity, but there’s the tricky part, somewhere between where Shields is at and oblivion where all those other one-trick ponies now reside. If he doesn’t want to do shit all with his musical career and rest on the laurels of ‘Loveless’, I really don’t care, and am still grateful for his one contribution that we are still feeling the effects of today.

However, the current importance of My Bloody Valentine is marginal at best, and I just wish he could do us a single favour for once, and just give his fans some of that indifference he seems have no shortage of. Maybe then his fans will finally stop caring, and give the band what they truly deserve.