Q. Why did Scott Stapp choke to death on a Gobstopper in a crowded restaurant?

Answers on a postcard, please. No, seriously.

Sometimes you hear something which truly redefines your thoughts on the genre; something utterly enrapturing which leaves you agape at the brilliance that just spewed out of your Hitachi two-piece; something captivating to the senses, like a shuddering orgasm from start to finish, leaving you drained but beyond happy. This is not one of those times. This defines thoughts on a genre; it is captivating, but only for its insipidity. That’s right; five years after disbanding, Christian proselytizers Creed have released their new album Full Circle. Minus five points to anyone who makes a joke about circular music.

I think I’ve figured it out, however: Creed have sold over thirty-million records worldwide, and I’ve never been able to reason as to why. It just doesn’t make any sense, does it? Well, no, it does: what is the colour everyone paints their house when they try to sell it? Beige-y cream. Eh voilà. Just as the episode of South Park decided, you pick Christian metal if you want to make a lot of money, not produce anything of merit. You can just bung out some liturgical dross and watch the people not-fornicate over it.

“I feel like it’s going to rain like this for days” sums up my thoughts about this album; listening is purgatory: a never-ending field of white, punctuated only by the pious screams for redemption bouncing around your skull. This is unfair, I’m doing them an injustice here, the opening track Overcome is mildly interesting and title track Full Circle is hilariously bad up until the end when it takes a decidedly more interesting route, with a genuinely uplifting and catchy ending. These are the highlights though; you’d struggle to pluck out any other redeeming features from this mélange of plain.

Maybe I am just a blind sheep, in need of a trio of shepherds; but I am torn, I hate this. I really, truly don’t like this, but I also really do. It won’t go away and I wish it would.

Those of you who find Creed more interesting will probably have been aware of the repeated criticisms of them just being a watered-down Pearl Jam. There was controversy, line-up changes, and firings; and a new direction. Apparently. Now, I was never really in this camp of them being a tired PJ, mainly because that’s an oxymoron to me.

Despite everything I’ve eulogised, I still see this album doing very well. It’s clever, and it will be cleverly marketed. Creed have several multi-platinum albums, there will always be a crowd of virgins waiting to lap up this conscientious thrashing. It is, however, perhaps deserving of this predicted acclaim. It’s as tight as anything I’ve heard of late, Stapp’s vocals – if a little ‘gobstopper in the mouth’ – are melodious and flip from delicacy to the trademark growling at the flip of a switch. There’s pleasure to be taken from the backing, too, the late bridge in On My Sleeve is a delightful twist, shimmering in a fetid pool of pseudo-adolescent angst.

Here’s a fun game: read the song-titles out and make your own parable. Here’s mine… To overcome the bread of shame (not enough yeast), you must first gather a thousand-faces in a library, where suddenly they will rain away in silence. There will be fear, on your sleeve, but when time comes full-circle, the song you sing – “the bread of shame, he overcame” – will fight the good fight for you.

Might need some work.

(PS: A. Nobody was willing to stop eating or talking for a single second to try to save his life.)