While so called ‘talent’ shows continue to clutter the nation’s idiot lanterns, the lowest common denominator has been brainwashed into believing that people with limited ability in their fields are actually acceptable. With all its X Factor exposure, the new princess of pop’s debut album will almost certainly top the album chart. Please don’t be fooled into thinking that she has created anything other than mundane R&B junk.
Following in the footsteps of Victoria Beckham, Cheryl is going solo after being the fifth best vocalist – but definitely the first best looking – in very successful girl groups. No matter how much help they receive and the amount of production that goes into making these records, looks alone are not enough. Not even the assistance of Black Eyed Peas front man will.i.am and British chart-topper Taio Cruz can save this, and when it was rumoured that Frankmusik was to help produce this album, you always knew that we were in for a treat!
Title track and opener, 3 Words, featuring the aforementioned Mr I Am, is one of the few positives to take from the 11 songs. Last year’s top five hit, Heartbreaker (using Cheryl on backing vocals), weirdly appears as the penultimate number, as it was more a solo attempt from him than her. Unfortunately this isn’t the last you hear from the pair as they team up again for the hideous Heaven. Cole swaps her usual Geordie twang for a pathetic American accent as they irritatingly mispronounce the word “you” singing “choo, you, chew”. Sadly Barney McGrew! Cuthbert! Dibble! Grubb didn’t get a mention. Lead single, Fight For This Love, written by Andre Merrit, Wayne Wilkins and Steve Kipner – who between them, have written songs for the likes of Rihanna and Christina Aguilera – has all the radio friendly hooks to be a certain hit. Parachute is probably the only song that showcases Cheryl’s voice, with the vocoder not so audible, but Rain On Me and the Cruz-aided Stand Up have a very uncreative, cheap Europop feel to them. The only other favourable thing (apart from not having to put up with pictures of Nicola Roberts in the sleeve) comes in the way of the bouncy Happy Hour which breeds a slight relief and makes you wonder how the rest was so poor.
Anything Cheryl Cole puts her hand to will flourish and, therefore, 3 Words is sure to be a guaranteed success. Although this is a huge-yet-slightly-brave shift away from the reliable burst of Girls Aloud of which we became so absorbed – and yes, of course she would have been criticised for recapitulating that sound – it’s all far too dated, and a great shame she settled for caution instead of ambition.
Jamie Smith
9 months ago
Without wanting to get into the debate about the fittest member of the Aloud (I do really, it’s my favourite topic of conversation ever), there is no way Cheryl is the best looking one.
Tom Arkell
9 months ago
Ha!, i admit that its a tough one! This topic of conversation is more interesting than the whole of Cheryl’s album!
Chris Sheerin
9 months ago
3 Words gets a 3. Inspired.
Seriously I have heard some of this album – out of intrigue more than creative searching – and it’s pretty weak stuff, even by vacuous pop standards.
But as you said, the album will sell. There is no hope.
bex
9 months ago
The songs are poop and the auto tuner use is embarrassingly noticeable but that seems to be the way things are going these days – unless of course you listen to proper music! Have to disagree about the looks though -she is by far the best looking member of girls aloud -but is that saying that much? Only joking but much as it pains me to admit it, she is a very good looking girl.
Gordon
9 months ago
Wow, good on you for picking on a girl (Nicola Roberts) who has absolutely no association with this project beyond being a bandmate of the artist.
And I’m sure you must be thankful that the website hasn’t affixed a picture of you to this column – people might turn away in disgust the way you supposedly do a Girl’s Aloud album sleeve.
Scott
9 months ago
Ah Tom, you do enjoy a bit of controversy.
Nic
9 months ago
What exactly does Nicola Roberts have to do with Cheryl’s solo album? As far as I can see, absolutely nothing at all, other than the fact that the two of them are in the same band. How nice, though – picking on the appearance of someone else.
Jamie Smith
9 months ago
I must be being a bit thick, cos I can’t see any reference to Nicola Roberts.
Scott
9 months ago
“The only other favourable thing (apart from not having to put up with pictures of Nicola Roberts in the sleeve) comes in the way of the bouncy Happy Hour which breeds a slight relief and makes you wonder how the rest was so poor.”
Jamie Smith
9 months ago
Ah.
Tom Arkell
9 months ago
Wow!!
I apologise to everybody that was offended by my “Nicola Roberts” comment. It was actually just a joke.
Gordon – I can assure you that i never turn away in disgust at a girls aloud sleeve and admittedly a picture of myself on this page would be a bad idea!
Nic – I appreciate that Miss Roberts has nothing to do with this album, however, if she had the singing would have been 100% better.
Sorry again,
Gordon
9 months ago
Good man for apologizing, Tom…nothing wrong with a good joke, just came off a little harsh. And after all Nicola’s endured (Moyles called her “a sour faced cow” because she didn’t smile at him – after he called her the “ugly, ginger one” in an interview), just found it strange she was even being ‘attacked’ in a review for another artist.
For anyone who’s thinking “Why’s this bloke fighting other people’s battles?”, i just think that silence perpetuates the idea that we adults think it’s OK for the media to put down kids/young adults for their looks…apart from jokes. But it’s sometimes hard to differentiate – “____’s an ugly cow” vs. “____’s an ugly cow ha” if you catch my drift.
Anyhow, hope you enjoyed this Public Service Announcement, now back to our regularly scheduled program haha. Great review, btw, agree, Cheryl’s album smacks of a poor man’s Destiny’s Child album.
jules
5 months ago
funny, because the ginger one was the only one i fancied. can’t stand the dolled up WAG look.
I just think it’s nice a shit album got a slagging.
And yes, one day all those who bought this album will be looking after us. Perhaps climate change should simply be embraced. It’s better to burn out than fade away after all.